Expert Skier: Drives to the local resort in the Beemer with the skis on the rack upside down, tips back, ...
Real Skier: Hasn't dug his/her 1976 Ford F150 Pickup out since the last time he got an impound warning for impeding snow removal, walks to the lift, never shows his pass.
Expert Skier: Got a great deal on the latest in ski gear at Sniagrab.
Real Skier: Picked up a used set at a garage sale and found his bindings in the dumpster outside his apartment.
Expert Skier: Goes out to a fine restaurant for dinner apres ski.
Real Skier: Is his waiter.
Expert Skier: His favorite run has a name like Jaws of Death, Outer Limits, White Heat, or some such.
Real Skier: His favorite run has no name.
Expert Skier: Counts the number of days he skied last season.
Real Skier: Counts the number of days he missed all year.
Expert Skier: Wishes the ski season was longer.
Real Skier: Didn't realize skiing was restricted to a particular season, only that sometimes the lifts run and sometimes they don't.
Expert Skier: Calls the avalanche report before hitting the resort.
Real Skier: Calls in his observations to the Avalanche Forcast Center when he gets back from his tour.
Expert Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski his favorite resort.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski somewhere else.
Expert Skier: Thinks the new lift is great.
Real Skier: Spent all last night loosening the bolts on pole 12 of the new lift.
Expert Skier: Feels confident adjusting his binding.
Real Skier: Feels comfortable mounting his bindings.
Expert Skier: Thinks the female lift attendant is cute.
Real Skier: Blushes when she tells him how much she enjoyed last night.
Expert Skier: Subscribes to Powder Magazine to find out the hot places to ski.
Real Skier: Skims through the ski rags while he's at the sev' buying beer to see how many of his favorite places they've ruined.
Expert Skier: Thinks Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Expert Skier: Buys all his buddies beers at the lodge.
Real Skier: Gets all his beer free cuz he lives with the guy tending bar.
Expert Skier: Gets real pissed off when someone skis over the tops of his skis.
Real Skier: Paints his skis flat black so no one will steal them, worries about the bottoms of his skis... not the tops.
Expert Skier: Calls the resort snow report before heading up.
Real Skier: Carries a hand held scanner so he knows when the patrol is going to open the bowls.
Expert Skier: Thinks off-piste is when you step into the trees to relieve yourself. (Thanx Dave!)
Real Skier: Skis home to pee.
Expert Skier: Thinks the backcountry is a bar.
Real Skier: Chuckles when some touron asks him where he can find the Backcountry.
Expert Skier: Thinks climbing skins are made of brightly colored Lycra(tm).
Real Skier: Knows how to reglue them.
Expert Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Real Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Expert Skier: Has a fancy ski rack on his car.
Real Skier: Has a fancy ski rack by the front door.
Expert Skier: Sharpens his edges once a week.
Real Skier: Sharpens his edges when he flies home to visit his parents for Christmas in Vermont.
Expert Skier: Knows all about snow making....
Real Skier: Worked on the snowmaking crew for three years.
Expert Skier: Calls a 1-900 number to get the latest weather report.
Real Skier: Steps outside and looks up...
Expert Skier: Has a Grateful Dead sticker on his BMW.
Real Skier: Lives with four dead-heads in a one bedroom apartment.
Expert Skier: Has a gagloop of ski passes hanging all over his jacket from places like Breckenridge and Vail and Aspen.
Real Skier: Forgot his season pass at home... but it doesn't really matter.
Expert skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis came off.
Real skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis stayed on.
Expert Skier: Wears GoreTex(tm).
Real Skier: Wears duct tape.
Expert Skier: Thinks high speed quads are a type of ski lift.
Real Skier: Thinks high speed quads are the leg muscles of the guy breaking trail. (Again.. Thanx Dave)
Expert Skier: Gets all excited cuz it snowed 12 inches, gets up early so he can beat the crowds.
Real Skier: Sleeps in til noon since it only snowed a foot overnight.
Expert Skier: Goes on ski vacation, flies out, rents a fancy Ford Explorer that he parks outside the three bedroom condo he rents.
Real Skier: Comes home from skiing to find some dumbshit
tourist has parked a Ford Explorer with a Budget Rent-a-Car sticker
in his spot again, pulls the valve stem cores from three tires,
and tapes them to the windshield with a nasty note.
Ski vacation is almost here! Hence, the
following list of
exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!